Too Much Information! Run now!
2003-10-17 // 12:41 a.m..
So I'm watching this show... they're showing "Lasik" surgery- the laser surgery that corrects vision...
I could NOT go through that.
*sigh*
It doesn't look so bad, really- the guy doing it looked apprehensive, but it didn't seem all that tough to get through- except I KNOW I couldn't.
Of all the things I have been through, (and this is gunna sound strange I think...) I have NEVER been able to handle people working on my FACE.
I've had my knee rebuilt completely twice... and am due again, apparently- tho I keep putting it off. :P I disliked that, but I had to do it under general anesthesia... I just couldn't stand the thought of FEELING them router-around in there. And that was my LEG, you know? Not a really big deal.
They put me under (thank the gawds and my surgeon!) for all the gut-surgery they did- from the most extreme one (where they removed segments of my sigmoid and gave me a temporary illeostomy) to the least extreme (which apparently involved accessing my backside in a rather humiliating device- I doubt the pain or discomfort would have been bad, but...) ...for all of those, I was OUT COLD... and I liked it, dammit. :P
I cannot imagine, even for a split second... having someone pry open my eye with something akin to a dental dam, and then do surgery on it. (numbing it first of course) ...with me... AWAKE... I don't care if it DOES only take 7 minutes... I don't care if it takes 7 seconds.
That's just.... icky.
You know, I think a lot more of my anxiety is due to my medical condition right now, than I want to admit even to myself.
I didn't mind it- I had a good outlook, and I felt confidence in my surgeon. I felt BLESSED by the hospital and staff, who kept me going- and no doubt saved my life many times over... I felt like the Cap'n handled it better than he realizes- even if he does feel like it made him crazy- he did good, really.
It's just that... everything is so DIFFERENT now.
For one, my surgeon quit taking DSHS. I really didn't handle that well. He 'finished' the surgeries as a freebie, on his nickle... and the staff there (only his office staff!) treated me differently- you could tell, it was really distasteful for them, to handle me. I was uncomfortable with it, even tho I adore the doctor.
Technically, I can get Medicare as a supplement to the DSHS if I apply and go through the procedures... and he was taking Medicare still... so I guess I keep putting off calling him, because I can't handle the money side of it. I LOTHE feeling like a charity case... I really do. I just couldn't afford the thousands it costs to go to him- not even possible.
At the same time... I feel kind of icky about the whole thing in general. I mean... what's wrong is kind of wierd anyway. So I can't just go to any doctor and they'll understand- this surgeon REALLY researched this problem. It was rare, and not a lot of doctors, even worldwide, knew what to do about it- what it comes down to is simple enough, tho:
My body forms strictures in the gut. for no apparent reason, strips of my sigmoid/rectum/colon formed scar tissue-like rigidity. When sampled, this stuff is essentially fiberous tumor- but it doesn't start out that way. It starts out as normal tissue... but then it becomes solid- like concrete. Imagine parts of your gut turning to stone, and that's kind of what happens. This kills the tissue it's connected to, obviously, and the stricture gets worse.
Eventually, you can't get anything through the stricture. So. Well. You can use your imagination there- unless I want them to RE-do the illeostomy, or gawds forbid, the much grosser colostomy, I am stuck with having any new strictures removed... and otherwise just living with it. :/
Therein lies the rub, you know? I suspect i'm forming not one, but two of them. ...the only way to find out, is to go to the aforementioned surgeon. The only way to do THAT is to fight the system to get Medicare, and even then, to hassle through the 'billing' aspects of it. To get them *TO* accept me.
I just... I don't feel up to that. It's scary enough, to go in there for more exploration and such, knowing I might get "mini-me" the illeostomy back, even temporarily- but to imagine the choice coming down to a permenant one or not... I just dunno if I could handle that. I don't want to even think about it, even tho it's not the WORST thing in the world.
Now, for a moment, (if you're easily offended, or easily squicked out, RUN now... this is definately a 'too much information' kind of entry from this point on...) ...that you're a gay GUY, in a comitted and happy relationship.
Yeah.
Like my life wasn't crap enough, they ALREADY removed much of my rectum and all the sigmoid colon. Connected to the remainer of rectum now, is a 'j-pouch'. Essentially, they doubled a length of colon onto itself, sewed it together, split the connection open to form a pouch, then cut a hole at the bottom of the "j" and connected that to the rectal 'stump'. (love that term... not.)
So essentially- most of you reading this are women, but imagine for a moment, that you have just had not only a hysterectomy, but much of your vagina removed. Oh, and in the process, they open you up so many times you have chronic pain (albiet not horribley bad) and it's cut many of the nerves that operate your bladder and urethra sensations... so... certain OTHER sensations are also diminished...
Oh yeah, that makes doggie-styling it REAL attractive, doesn't it.
*sigh*
I felt castrated, in some ways... by the surgery already done. There wasn't any other choice, mind you- so I don';t resent it... but to face the chance of FURTHER surgery?
ugh... I just wanna cry.
They remove the rectum/anus if they do a permenant illeostomy, by the way. I'll feel totally screwed (hrm, bad choice of words there... neutered, is a better one) by that... so I don't wanna go there. I just don't. I LIKE my bodily functions thanks- I LIKE being even as CLOSE to normal as I am right now... and that's not all that close, considering.
A j-pouch is a little like having an involuntary one and a half liter resivoir... when it is full... you GO. Like it or not, your body gives a few cramps, spasms, and you get a minute or two, maybe three... then you find a bathrom and hope no one will need it untill you're both emptied AND the venitlation system has cleared the space...
Yeah, I have my share of REAL anxieties... but this not sleeping thing is driving me nuts. A guy needs his sleep.
Especially when his sex life is already screwed up...
ugh.
Listening to: Some guy announce, "that wasn't bad, actually"...after Lasik surgery. *twitch*
Consuming: Cola and beef jerky
Today my t-shirt should read:
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